Responsibility

Freedom to choose

Understanding

Everything can be taken from a man or a woman but one thing: the last of human freedoms to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way.
Viktor Frankl

Imagine as if you were being pulled around with strings like a puppet. Only most of the time the strings are loose so you can move around freely. And there you are, walking along, minding your own business when you pass a mother walking with her three children. Grocery bags hanging from her arms and a big a box of donuts balanced in front of her. And out of nowhere the strings go tight and you uncontrollably fly through the air and do a spinning black bear jump kick of death right into her box of donuts, which, by the way, are now flying through the air like candy from a piñata. What would you do? Everyone saw you do it. The children are crossing their arms, traffic is stopping in disbelief, even the customers and merchants have gathered by the windows of the shops that line the sidewalk to stare you down and shake their heads. What would you do? How would you feel?

In these situations it would be natural to justify your action. “Oh well I have these strings pulling me you see, it wasn’t my fault.” It would also be natural to feel guilt. “Why do I do that? I didn’t want to do that.” This is how irresponsible people usually feel to the way they react to certain situations. They feel as if something external is forcing them to react a certain way. They feel anxiety towards certain stressful situations, fearing that the strings will pull tight at any time and what happened last time will happen again.

Now imagine that you have a personal DJ who follows you around everywhere you go. He is a French man dressed in all blue Adidas garments named Jacque. And his only job is to play music for you all the time, day and night, no breaks. And so if you want the opening theme from The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly every time you open a door, he is on it. Only when he plays a song all of a sudden you are filled a certain attitude or state of mind. So it is as if each record offers a different state of mind that Jacque can play for you if you tell him. Jacque tries to read your mind and predict what you would like but you are always free to tell him what you want him to play.

So for example if you are giving a presentation in front of a large group of people, you can tell Jacque, “Hey, play that one that fills me with confidence and energy.” Or perhaps “the one that makes me feel relaxed and effective.”

That is how responsible people feel. They feel they have control over their state of mind no matter the circumstances. As they are in control of their state of mind they focus on what they can be doing to get the results they are looking for, instead of figuring out the reasons why they can’t achieve something. Basically it comes up to two ways of thinking, irresponsible people are busy figuring out “why I can’t” and responsible people are busy figuring out “how can I?”

Each style usually has a lot of practice with their respected type of thinking and so are really good at answering the question they are focused on. Both have answers.

For example: Flying.

Here are some reasons why you can’t fly: You don’t have wings. You are heavier then air. The aerodynamics for creating lift with the human body isn’t that good. Etc.

Ideas on how you can you fly anyways: You can get in an airplane. Jump off a cliff with a hang glider. Sign up for jet pack testing. Invent a new way. Etc.

This is the main reason why the law of attraction works, we get answers to whatever it is we focus on.

Awareness Through Language

You have to know what you are doing and why you are doing it.
Marco Pierre White

You can begin to measure the amount of responsibility a person has by the language they use, usually their self-talk.

When a person says something like “I have to go to work” they are implying that someone or something outside of themselves is making them go. However you always free to make that decision. You can challenge this by asking “what would happen if you didn’t go to work?” Perhaps no one would notice. Maybe your boss would comment about it. Perhaps you’d lose customers. Perhaps you would lose your job on the spot. There may be consequences by not going but you still have the freedom to choose. So really you could be saying: “I want to go to work because I value my job.” The difference in wording is subtle however the deeper meaning behind each of those sentences is very different.

A reason that the difference is so great is that most of us naturally resist things that we are forced to do, and unconsciously find ways to subvert it. By reframing it into something that we want to do we make it clear that we have a choice. Doing something that you want to do is much more empowering than doing something because you feel you have to. By being aware of the choices you have and the reasons behind why you do things you become more effective over just having a list of things that you feel you have to do. A list of reasons builds motivation. By knowing your reasons behind why you do things you can find out what is really most important to you.

Here are some other examples of the irresponsible language and responsible language:

Irresponsible: “If only my wife understood then I could…” Implied: My wife is preventing from doing something. Responsible: “I can.”

Irresponsible: “I can’t do that, that isn’t who I am…” Implied: I have no control over my actions and I’m determined to keep it that way. Responsible: “I can.”

Irresponsible: “She makes me so mad.” Implied: She has control over my feelings. Responsible: “I decide how to react to situations.”

Irresponsible: “I don’t have time.” Implied: Circumstances are controlling me. Responsible: “I choose where to focus my attention.”

Moving from Irresponsible to Responsible

We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them.
Albert Einstein

Usually when an irresponsible person is presented with the alternative, their natural reaction is to come up with a list of reasons to why their situation is an exception. However that is the type of thinking that is reactive as you will always find reasons if you look for them. A reactive typing of thinking may ask “well how convenient, so I shouldn’t challenge it?” Kind of.

A better way is to practice the reverse and see what effects you get. The problem with focusing on the list of exceptions is like the flying example, you’ll spend your time coming up with exceptions that irresponsible thinking is incapable of addressing. If you look at the world through green sunglasses, it will be hard to imagine how apples can be red and not green.

The Conflict of Change

Most people do not really want freedom, because freedom involves responsibility, and most people are frightened of responsibility.
Sigmund Freud

When an irresponsible person confronts the possibility of the freedom of responsibility there is a conflict. As this new idea puts responsibility on you, the reasons you had before for not reacting to situations are challenged. That list of reasons prevents you from even trying and gives you a small feeling of security. Once you accept that you are responsible you have to give up your reasons. You have to give up that false parachute, that false sense of security. That hope that “if you can’t have what you want, it isn’t your fault, it’s OK.”

When you were little somebody probably took responsibility for you. As you interacted with the world you began to form this concept of fairness. Since you were not responsible for yourself you quickly learned that if you could convince whoever took care of you that if something wasn’t fair to you, if something wasn’t your fault, you could have them make things fair for you. “But Dad, it isn’t fair, Mike took my alligator.” “Mike, give him his alligator back.” This works great when you are little, not so great when you are grown and people no longer take responsibility for you.

It can be terrifying to think that you are responsible for everything that happens to you. If you try and fail, who can you blame? For most people the pain was huge when they would do something and hurt someone unintentionally and realize that it was completely their fault. So they’ve learned to not try unless they are 100% sure, and if they aren’t 100% sure they settle on all the reasons preventing them from being 100% sure.

Knowing that you are responsible for how you react to situations doesn’t mean that you know how to get the results you want in life. What is important is knowing that you are responsible, that allows the freedom for you to do what is needed to get results. The next step would be figuring out how to get the results you want.